Do You Have Any Idea What I Went Through in Captivity?
by bestofwives
Summary: Based off the interrogation with Kensi and Wallace. Doing all of the scenes that I think should've been included. Kensi's torture, when she gets back and after episodes. K/D (obviously)
1. Chapter 1

When they first took me, they put a bag over my head and put me on what felt like a horse. I almost fell asleep but every time I closed my eyes, I was jolted by the horse, who was stumbling on the rocks.

I had no idea where I was going. But if Jack really was the White Ghost, then he would help me. Unless his mind hadn't been brainwashed by the Taliban. After what seemed like forever, someone pushed me off. I fell, scraping myself on a rock. They led me somewhere echoy. Probably a cave of some sorts. They pulled it off.

I was in a little part of the cave. The entrance guarded. A little fire burned and they shoved me down. One yelled something in Pashto and another threw a heavy wrap to me. They left me alone.

I was freezing, even with the fire. I pulled the wrap over my head and body and pulled my knees up to my chest. I felt so tired. I just wanted to die. But I knew they were going to make my death longer if Jack didn't show up.

A Talib threw a bowl at me. My dinner. Scraps.

"My name is Kensi Blye." I told him in the little Pashto I knew.

He didn't care.

"I need to speak to the one you call the White Ghost!" I yelled. "Spin Pariy?" But he left. I grunted. I wondered what the guys were doing now. I pulled out the little photo I had of them. It was all of us, Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell, Hetty... and Deeks.

I knew that in order not to compromise them, I needed to burn it. I kissed it, don't judge. And I threw it into the fire. I tried to lie down and hoped that the new day would be better.

I was awoke a few hours later with someone kicking me. My back complained. I groaned and opened my eyes. More food. I finally just told myself to suck it up, because I might not get anymore. I took a bite and nearly barfed. I threw it aside. I noticed someone talking with someone else. A man I haven't seen in a long time. A man by the name of Jack Simon.

"Jack!" I yelled. "Jack, it's Kensi. I'm here!"

He looked at me with shock, but that didn't last long, since the men started hitting him until he passed out.

"Jack!" I yelled. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I just started to process this. Jack couldn't be the White Ghost. If he was, why did they beat him?

I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea.

**Kind of short but plan to skip over their conversation in the next chapter, but to do what happened after the fire went out. Review? Follow? Fave? **


	2. Chapter 2

I felt numb. After they took away Jack, I was pulled and my arms were tied, and my legs were tied together. At least I wasn't getting... you know what.

"Where's Jack?" I murmured, even though no one would hear me, or bother listening.

Soon, he was tied next to me again, except farther. He looked at me, I looked at him. We were both scared, maybe I was a little more.

Come on, Blye, I told myself. Fight.

The first guy came and punched me in the face. I groaned and my nose started bleeding. Another one came and started punching Jack. I was screaming for him to stop, but Jack's groans and moans were making it worse, almost to the point where it was unbearable, and I wanted to plug my ears. Meanwhile, the other man was beating me, but I didn't feel it as much. It was Jack who I needed to get out of here alive.

"Please!" I cried. "Stop!" I was in so much pain, it hurt when I took a breath. Probably a broken rib. The tears were clogging my eyes and I felt like dying.

Please find me soon. I begged Deeks. Wherever you are.

They stopped. Only for a bit though. They came over and had a sword. This is it, I thought. But he cut my arm deeply. I winced in pain again. Maybe not winced, maybe more like cried. They just let it bleed out, and my blood was collected into a small pail, and poured it around my neck and a but on the ground. One came over with a knife.

I stopped shaking immediately, and became petrified, my eyes going wide. One made a small cut on my neck, and I was so thankful they didn't slit it, but the wound in my arm that was currently bleeding out hurt like hell. They untied me and shoved me on the ground and they did the exact same with Jack.

"Act dead!" yelled the one. He had what looked like a camera. I didn't have to pretend. I felt like dying already. Then it got me thinking. What if they sent this to someone? What if they sent it to NCIS? What if Deeks and the boys saw it? Would they give up? They probably don't even know that I'm here.

A little tear slivered out of my eye. Deeks, why can't you help me, Deeks? Now I really wished that I never burned the photo. They left us alone, except for two that were eating in the corner.

I went back to that time with Deeks, after dinner. His body felt so close and I felt so happy and in a place I wanted to be in, yet worried at the same time.

_"What's wrong?" he asked. _

_"You know if we do this, this changes everything." I said. _

_"So what do you want to do?" he asked,_

_"I don't want to have to have to choose." I said, the tears welling up. _

_"Then don't choose." he said. _

_"You know that's not how it works. What do you think is going to happen?" _

_"I don't know. I don't care." he said._

_"What are you doing to me, Deeks?" my voice cracking. _

_"Falling in love with you." he said, kissing me. _

Mu thoughts were interrupted by a hit to my head. I groaned.

"Wake up." said the Talib. I wanted to die. I felt woozy too. I'd lost so much blood from the arm, I'm surprised that I survived until now.

He punched me again. "Wake up, ah." His creepy smile bore into my soul. Maybe not into my soul, but definitely enough to keep me scared.

"You're CIA, ha" asked the man, holding my head up by my hair.

"I told you, I am not." I said. I got punched again. This time, harder and having the metallic taste of blood fill my mouth.

He yelled something in a language I didn't understand and another one tossed him a sword. I gasped and started freaking out.

"Most people believe that we chop off head quickly." he said, pointing it at my neck. We saw it off, slowly, ah."

I kept freaking out and gasping until I started crying, while they began laughing, and their laughter made me cry harder. Jack looked over from his wall with an angry and vengeful look on his face, but he couldn't move a foot with his chains. Please, Deeks, help me. Save me from this barbaric cave and the people in them, and hold me in your arms again, like you did before when we were alone, and I treasure every moment we had together, Deeks.

You are now my tether.

**This chapter was a mix of the photo taking, (the one they found in the cave) and the deleted Densi kiss, which you can find on You Tube. Review? How am I doing?**


	3. Chapter 3

After the heavy beatings we had everyday, I was feeling like giving up. It's been two weeks. Two weeks of hell. Two weeks of having to go through endless beatings. Two weeks of seeing my ex-fiancé being beaten with me.

Jack and I were pulled together. I rested my head on his shoulder and thought of the past. When we first got engaged. He had come back from Iraq.

_"Jack, are you positive?" I asked. Jack had just told me he was going to get the Christmas tree by himself. After Iraq. _

_"Yes, Kensi. I already-" his eyes went wide. He was having another episode._

_"Jack!" I yelled. I grabbed his hand. "Jack, it's Kensi. You're not over there. You're home. You're with me." _

_"Kensi! They had you and they were closing in on us." he said. I buried myself into his arms. _

_"I'm safe, Jack. I said. "I have you." _

_He left that night. _

"Kens, you alright?" he whispered. I really wasn't. My head wound was bleeding, I threw up a few times yesterday from being punched so much, and my whip wounds were on fire. I'm not feeling like bringing up that memory again, let's just say it was worse than anything I'd ever felt before.

"Not really." I whispered. I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my head lightly. He like he did before. I had tears almost flowing down my tears.

"Kens, don't worry. They'll probably leave us here. Who knows?" he whispered.

Notice he didn't say "They'll find us, Kens." or "We'll be okay." A few man came over. I clung to Jack. I was afraid of being... you know what. But they didn't. A girl came over. She was probably an orphan. A child soldier or something like that. They yelled at her to do something and she got a knife and cut our rope off. Only the one holding us together. We were still tied, our hands behind our back. One pulled me against the wall.

I was sobbing now. Afraid. Take me now, I prayed. But they shoved a rag into my mouth. They moved us outside. The sunlight burned my eyes. It had been so long since I had been outside. They put some sort of necklace on me. But when it jabbed my back, I realized it was a gun.

They were sending us on a death march. Goodbye, Deeks. Goodbye everyone. Tell my mother I loved her.

They pushed us and we moved farther away from our prison.


	4. Chapter 4

I felt like hell. Climbing a mountain by foot when you're already weak, malnourished and in pain is tough. But what makes it even tougher is knowing that, unless a miracle happens, which probably won't in your case, you'll never see the people you love ever again.

Jack overheard them talking about taking us to Pakistan and either selling us or using us as suicide bombers. I would much rather be killed. Maybe I would have some luck up the mountain.

They made us rest for a bit. We sat next to each other. We couldn't eat or drink anything, since they were probably afraid that if they took our gags out, that we'd yell for help. Even if someone heard us, I doubt they'd come. They'd be smart enough not to. Rescuing worthless prisoners, well maybe not worthless, but rescuing some other prisoners of the Taliban was a suicide mission. You'd be dead before you could even see us.

I looked at him, he looked back. We just looked at each other. At least we might die together. I sighed. They started yelling at me, and they dragged Jack up, but I didn't feel like doing anything. _Just kill me already_. The Talib yelled at me again while I ignored him. He and another one lifted me up and threw me to the ground and I hit my head on a rock. It wasn't a concussion. Hopefully. But I felt blood gushing down the side of my head, and I heard ringing in my ears.

I heard yelling from a distance. Most of the men who were hiking with us ran off with their weapons, while some guarded us. They took us under a shelf of rock. Jack looked at me again. Probably to ask if I was okay.

I shook my head. I just was exhausted. Kill me already, I thought. We sat there for about half an hour, listening to the ricochet of bullets and the occasional yell from either side. Who were they fighting? Who was challenging the Taliban now? I was just so tired. Just as I was about to fall asleep, someone pulled me up. Now they're going to kill me, I thought. I had my "leash" put on me again, leash meaning rope around my neck with a gun to my back. They pulled Jack up too. They made us walk up the little hill, until we reached the group of Talibs.

The girl, who was in the cave, walked us down. There I saw them. My team; they were alive, I was alive. I was going to live! But I was in too much pain to celebrate. Honestly, I would've been much happier if they beheaded me when they first got me, after I cleared things with Jack.

I noticed Sam and Callen's faces when they saw me; a look of concern. Once I was handed off to them, I got the gun taken off of me, and Sam pulled out my gag.

"You alright?" he asked.

I couldn't lie. Not looking like Bad Ass Blye now. They'd know I'm lying. "No." I groaned.

"They beat her up pretty bad." said Jack. I had to agree with him.

"Let's get the wounded on the chopper!" yelled Callen. "We got more coming for us."

Sam helped me into the copter. He put his arm around me, trying to support me as much as he could. I almost tripped climbing in, and I fell into Jack's lap. He held me, and I didn't want to let go. Deeks climbed in too, but I pretended like I didn't notice. Once we landed back at base, the doctors took the more critically wounded into surgery while Jack and I were also hurried into the medical tent. They pulled a curtain around me and my doctor, a woman, came over.

"Hello, Agent Blye. I'm Doctor Luther, I'll be looking over you." she said with urgency in her voice. She cut away my shirts and helped me down on the bed. She put anesthetics on my whip wounds and I winced. It stung like hell.

"Sorry." she said. She bandaged them and patched up my head wound. She cleaned my arm wound and bandaged that too. She gave me a black sweater and pants to change into with some boots. I changed and left the tent. I noticed Jack sitting on the bench outside.

"Hey." I said, walking up over to him.

"Hi." he smiled. "I'm waiting for Khatira to come out." So that's what the girl's name was. He stood up and hugged me. I hugged him back tightly. Did I still love him? I don't know, but I still cared for him. It's not like we broke up because we hated each other. It was still hard to believe that after all these years, we'd find each other here. After all the places he could've gone, he chose here.

"Whenever I can, I'll be in touch." he said, rubbing his hands on my shoulders.

"Take off." I said. "Granger won't be able to hold off the CIA for long." He smiled and walked off. That's when I noticed Deeks. They both talked for a bit until he came over. I still couldn't keep my eyes off Jack.

"Hey." he said. I didn't say anything.

"Sabitino and Sajadi are out of surgery. Doc says they're going to be okay." he said, softly.

"Thank god." I said softly. "That's good."

"I'm just glad you're alive." he said. Tears started welling up and I pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back tightly. It had been too long without my partner's voice or smile.

"How come you never hug me like that?" Callen asked Sam from behind us. We let go and turned around to face the senior agents.

"They're laying out a spread for us in mess. Wheel's up in 2 hours, and Granger got us a direct flight into Edwards." said Sam, looking at the both of us. He probably felt bad for us both, not just me. Deeks was probably moping around like he said over the phone at Christmas.

"Thank you, guys. For what you did." I said. Still not Bad Ass Blye yet, but I don't think they care. Sam nodded and they both left. We stood there for a bit. I watched Jack, fill his water bottle. It hurt me that I was probably never going to see him again, it was like a repeat of 9 years ago.

"It was really bad." I managed to say. Then all the pain, tears, and relief came flooding out.

"It's okay, come here." he said, pulling me into his arms. All of that pain came out now. I sobbed into his shoulder. He rocked me.

"It's okay, I got you." he said. I kept on sobbing.

"We're going home." he said, his voice cracking. "We're going home."

**DO NOT WORRY! Still continuing this story! So keep the reviews coming. Keep favoring and following it! Thx for loving this story. My goal is to get at least 70 followers!**


	5. Chapter 5

We headed down to the mess after the bell rang, and I washed my face from the tears. We met Sam and Callen down at the line and we got some food. I just got a bit of bread, a small slice of meatloaf and a glass of water with some pills the medic gave me.

We all sat down at a table, me and Deeks on one side, Sam and Callen on the other. They couldn't stop drinking water, probably from the desert. Deeks couldn't eat much either, he was just kind of playing with his food. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he put his arm around me. I knew Sam and Callen were looking at us, but Sam just smiled and Callen winked. I smiled a sad smile at both of them.

"You sure missed a lot, Kens. Deeks was all moody, and Callen's got a lady friend." said Sam, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

"You miss a lot when you're isolated from humanity and beaten." I said blankly. They both looked at each other.

"I'm just going to go back to my tent." I sighed, standing up from the table. I looked at Deeks, and he took the sign and stood up.

"We'll meet you guys at the chopper." he said, and we walked out of the mess hall, and back to my tent, where I lied down on my side on the small cot they had there. Deeks kneeled down next to me, and gently stroked my head, carefully.

"You want me to stay, Fern? Because Max doesn't want to leave his little sugar bear alone." he whispered with a smile. I smiled back, and nodded sleepily. I took his hand and held in mine as I fell asleep, and he disappeared.

If you could call it sleep, more like a restless blur of memories and hell.

_"No! Let me go!" I yelled as they dragged me over to the ground near the fire. One cut my shirt along down the back, and I felt someone sit on my legs. It wasn't until I felt the burn and crack of a whip on my back. I cried out in pain, and looked at Jack, who they made watch. He looked so helpless, so angry. "Help" I yelled to him and then screamed as they whipped me again and again and again..._

"Kensi!" yelled Deeks as I woke back up to the little tent. I was breathing heavily, and saw Deeks, Sam and Callen in the tent with me. I fell onto Deeks and just began sobbing. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and someone else's hand rubbing my back. I felt Deeks' warmth come through me, I just wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Once I calmed down, Deeks still held me, and I realized Sam and Callen left. "They're getting the stuff onto the chopper. We're leaving soon. You better now?"

"Fine." I whispered. I wasn't in the mood. He knew I said fine, which meant I wasn't, but I didn't care. People judge me enough already. I pulled away and went outside. I needed some Vitamin D, after being in a cave for so long.

I looked around the looming mountains. They looked beautiful from here, but the horrors that hid behind them were a different story. I never wanted to come back. Hetty would never let me. Hetty. What was going to happen to Hetty? She organized this whole operation, what if they went from me to her.

What was also going to happen to me? When they find out that I left on purpose, consequences would arise. But I could barely think straight, let alone work.

"You ready, Kens?" asked Callen. "We're going to take the chopper over to the air field."

"Yeah." I smiled as though I was okay. "I'll go get my bag." Once I grabbed it from my cot in the tent, I followed Sam and Deeks down to the chopper. But I could barely carry mine. When I dropped it, Deeks came and took it. He put his arm around my shoulder. I felt glad that he did that. Because I was more affected on the inside than what you could see on the outside.

I took a seat next to Deeks and buckled in. I rested my head on his shoulder. Every time I tried to fall asleep on the ride, I would be haunted by a memory. Deeks must've felt me do it since he looked over at me and put his arm around my shoulder. I noticed Sam and Callen watching. I honestly didn't care. I think that they just felt bad for us.

"Deeks?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Just wanted to make sure you were there." I said.

"Don't worry, Fern. I'm not going anywhere." he said, kissing my head. The man who held the sword to my throat came back. I shook him off but he was coming back. My eyes were getting teary again. But before I could start crying, we landed at the airstrip.

The boys helped carry in some supplies into the cargo hold while I got myself settled. I couldn't believe it. I was going home. I was going to see my mother, Nell, Eric, everyone. It got me thinking. What if I hadn't survived? What if they never found me? I took off my seatbelt and went into the bathroom.

"Only a minute, Blye." I told myself. I cried for a tiny bit until I heard a knock at the door.

"Kens, you okay?" asked Sam.

"Good." I said. "I'll be out in a minute!" I washed my face and went back into my seat. A few hours in, Callen and Sam fell asleep while I was awake. Deeks was on the verge of sleeping.

"Kens, can you sleep?" he asked.

"No." I whispered. He put his arm around me and I loosened my seatbelt so I could get comfortable on his shoulder.

"There you go." he said. "Just wake me if you need anything."

I fell into darkness.

_In my dream I was falling. _

_"__Look who decided to come back" snapped a familiar voice. _

_"__Look at you, all beaten. It's her fault Jack got beaten, isn't it, Sam?" The 3 voices appeared, and they were Sam, Callen and… Deeks. I was on the floor, in blood covered rags. _

_"__Of course" boomed Sam, the teddy bear in him nowhere to be seen. "It would've been better if she were sent to Pakistan, nowhere to be found again." _

_"__You don't mean that!" I sobbed. I reached for Deeks, but he pulled back. _

_"__I don't want to be partners with a bitch like you" he said, pulling out his Beretta. _

_"__Deeks, please!" I sobbed harder. "Deeks, I love you!" _

_"__Kensi." He said. "Kensi, wake up!" _

I woke up and saw him. He looked worried. So did Sam and Callen. My face was wet with tears. I hugged him tightly, and just didn't say anything.

"What don't we mean, Kens?" he asked, stroking my hair.

"You were all kicking me, and yelling at me and I tried reaching for you, b-b-ut you pulled away.

I couldn't stop trembling. Deeks looked at me. His eyes softened me.

"I thought I'd never see you again." I sighed.

"Well, you were wrong." said Deeks. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

I smiled lightly when he said that. I just dozed on and off, the nightmares waking me up every time

**I'm so excited for this story and I can't wait for more amazing Densi/Afghanistan scenes. I'll do a chapter when Kensi's at home. I'm currently editing all my chapters so they'll be a little more interesting, just so you know.**


	6. Chapter 6

After coming home from the airport, I dropped my bag on the floor and fell onto my couch. Only then did I realize that the place was clean.

"Deeks." I said, rolling my eyes. I grabbed a blanket and curled up on my couch, trying to sleep. Every time I closed her eyes, I kept seeing images flashing. The man hitting her, Jack, everything. I 'woke up' crying.

"Come on, Kensi." I told myself. "You can do it. The past is just the past." I tried to get some food, thinking that would help me. My feet were freezing on the cold kitchen floor, but I told myself to suck it up and opened the cabinet. It was full. Of non perishable food, maybe. I grabbed a chocolate chip granola bar and sat on my couch, thinking how this was my first time since... it... happened. Tears began again. I couldn't do it anymore. I needed him.

I dialed his number and just after the second ring, he picked up.

"Kens?" he asked. "Do you need anything?" Just after hearing his voice, I just broke down.

"Kensi! Kensi, I'll be there in 5 minutes, I promise." he said, his voice full of concern. I was still crying when he came.

He raced to the couch and pulled me into his arms. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, I'm here." he whispered into my ear. I laid my head on his shoulder.

"It just keeps coming back." I sniffled.

"I know. I've been through the same thing. But, hey. Do you know what helped me sleep?" he asked, looking into my teary, puffy eyes. "You." I smiled a sad smile.

He lied down on the couch and opened his arms. I got down next to him. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too, Fern." he whispered, kissing my hair. He touched my back. I winced, he touched my wounds from the whipping.

"Sorry!" he yelped.

"No, it's fine. That's not even the worst." I said. It was true.

"I know. So let's focus on the things that are more important. Like me, and sleep." he said.

I smiled. "How are you so perfect?" I asked.

"No idea." he said. He kissed her cheek. "Now, let's sleep." I curled up next to him and actually slept for the first time in ages.

The next morning, I woke up earlier and found that Deeks was still there. Sleeping and snoring a bit. His scruff was tickling my cheek. I kissed him lightly and went into the bathroom. I washed my face, washing away the tears and pain from the night before.

I never really realized how much I loved him. Since I had almost lost him, and everyone I loved, I never realized how much I loved his laugh, or his eyes. His voice or even his presence, how it made me so happy to be there right next to him.

"Kens! I need to pee! You done?" asked Deeks from the other side of the door.

"Almost!" I yelled back. I looked at herself in the mirror. I touched my cheek and my face. "You're alive." I whispered. "You survived." I felt the healing scar that was on my temple. "Barely." I added. She put on some face cream and opened the door.

"Hey, there." he said. "I might go to work, but if you want, I can stay." I did want him to stay. He was the one that caught me when I fell, the one I trusted. But I didn't want to seem weak.

"Kens, you won't seem weak to me." he said, his eyes full of concern. "Don't shut us out."

"Maybe you could stay." I said shyly.

"Good, because Hetty gave us all the week off. So you're stuck with me, sugar bear." he said. "Now, what for breakfast?" As he went into the kitchen, I honestly felt like crying. I got so lucky in Afghanistan. I was so thankful that I didn't kill myself over there. Maybe if I didn't have to bring back memories.

**I just need 2 more followers to reach my goal! This story is also on Wattpad. My wattpadd username is clairangelie101 if you wanted to read some of my non fan fic stories. How am I doing? **


	7. Chapter 7

After some watching movies on the couch, and eating breakfast, Deeks looked at me and asked me the terrible question.

"Kens, what happened?" he asked.

"Deeks, I don't know if I want to talk about it." I said, looking away from him.

"Kens," he said, grabbing my shoulders. "Don't do this to me. Don't shut me out."

"I'm not." I said, wriggling away. "When you were tortured, whenever anyone asked, did it bring back memories?"

"Yes, but, Kensi-" he started.

"No, Deeks. Just go to work. Tell them I'm okay. I'll call you if I need something." I said.

"Kens, what if I'm undercover. What if I die?" he asked, looking into my eyes. His blue eyes, the color of the ocean, pierced my heart. Just remembering what I almost lost, tears began to flood my eyes. He pulled me into a hug, one that I needed badly. I hugged him back, and let the tears roll down my face.

"Kensi, you're safe. Don't worry." he said, stroking my hair. I sniffled. I hated myself for being weak. "Kens, they're not here anymore, okay."

"I know." I said, my voice cracking. "It's just the memories won't leave."

"Just think of me, and your team." he said, looking at me.

"That's what triggers them." I said, softly.

"What?" he asked. "You should see Nate."

"I'm fine." I said, even though we both knew that what I said wasn't true at all.

"Kens, you're not. You need some help." said Deeks. He sounded really concerned.

"Just go, Deeks." I said pulling away. "Hetty needs you."

"I don't care. I'm sure Hetty would much rather have me here so you won't kill yourself, instead or chasing bad guys who are going to die anyway." said Deeks. Does he ever take a hint?

"Deeks!" I yelled, my temper exploding. "It's MY house! LEAVE!" He seemed taken aback and then headed towards the door.

"Call me if you need anything." he said, softly. And left. I watched him leave and then began to cry. I couldn't take this anymore. I didn't want to live with these damn memories! I don't need them haunting me! I noticed the gun on the table.

I grabbed my notepad, a pen, and wrote my note. A note about how I couldn't take it, how stupid I was, and how Deeks should just open the damn box already. And how much I loved them. A few tears got onto my paper. I walked into the bathroom and started crying freely, carrying my gun, my hand wouldn't stop shaking.

I sat on the toilet, my hand shaking, the beatings echoing in my mind. I raised it to my head, and then pulled the trigger.

* * *

**Deeks' Point of view**

I was half way to my apartment when I realized that I forgot my keys at Kensi's. I swerved around and drove back. When I came up her street, and parked the car, I heard a gunshot.

No, she couldn't have. I ran into her apartment.

"Kensi!" I yelled. "Kens!" I ran into the bathroom in her room and saw her, sitting on the floor, crying. The gun was next to her, and a hole in the wall in the shower.

She missed. Thank god I forgot my keys. I got down on the floor, and hugged her tightly.

* * *

Kensi's Point of View

I knew I missed. I knew it when I could still hear myself crying, and when I could hear Deeks screaming my name. He opened the door and pulled me into a hug.

"I had to, Deeks." I sobbed. "I couldn't take it anymore."

"Kens, you didn't have to. Do you know how depressed I would be if you were on target?" he said, tears in his eyes. He hugged me again, and we just sat there on the floor for a while. I felt his tears drop on my face.

I couldn't believe how crazy I was. I couldn't believe that my partner loved me this much.


	8. Chapter 8

"Kensi having a panic attack after having come home. maybe there is a thunder storm in L.A and kensi thinks thunder is bombs she heard Afghanistan."

**Based on the prompt from "Katie" (above). Thanks a bunch. For reading and liking this story. I'm going through a bump in the road of life and really appreciate it. **

It was a little bit after my failed suicide attempt. After talking to Nate over the phone, I was going to a therapist. But she wasn't a shitty one who asks you about your feelings. She, Dr. Simone Estefani, was a retired combat veteran who knows what Afghanistan was like and she understands.

Deeks sometimes went with me, but he had to come back to work a few days ago. I hoped that he didn't tell Hetty about it, or else I would kill him. Well, maybe not kill him, but seriously hurt him.

Anyway, I looked out of my window from my kitchen and saw clouds forming. Little ones, which were a pale gray. I shut all of my windows and sat down on my couch, after locking all of my guns in a safe, except for one above the door.

I heard a large boom. One which I heard too many times. Bomb. I rushed to my phone, scared as hell. I called Deeks, I needed to know if he was okay.

"Deeks!" I yelled into the phone. "Deeks!" I was praying that he would pick up.

"Kens, you alright?" he asked.

"Are you?" I asked, gasping. "I heard bombs, did you?"

"Kens, it's a thunderstorm. I'll ask Hetty if I can come over. It doesn't sound like you're doing too well." he said.

"Would you?" I asked. I wasn't afraid to say that I needed him. After a few minutes, he arrived at my doorstep, wet as hell, and cold.

"Oh my god!" I laughed. Probably for the first time in a while. I went into my bathroom and grabbed a towel. He wrapped himself in it and shook his shaggy hair like a dog.

"You're becoming more and more like Monty." I said. He looked at me with his signature squint.

"Don't insult me, Kensi. I ran in the rain for you." he said. He got closer to me.

"Oh please don't tell me that this is going to be one of those awkward moments." I said.

"Who said that?" asked Deeks. "I want a coffee pronto. Wait, forgot you can't cook."

I laughed. What was with him and insulting my culinary skills? While he was making the coffee (and getting my kitchen super wet), he started singing to some song. I was sprawled out on the couch, since my meds were making me feel queasy, listening to him sing, smiling. I had no idea that my feelings for him were this strong. It was like this pull, which I then let go of.

"You want some?" he asked, handing me the coffee mug, which I didn't take.

"No thank you." I said. "I can't. I don't feel so well."

"I should go then." he said. "Luckily this is to- go." He walked over towards the door.

"Wait!" I said. "Let me show you out." I didn't bother to get my coat, and just followed him out to the cold rain. The raindrops were going down my back, sending chills up my spine, but I ignored it.

"I guess your sunshine's gone. Still got your gunpowder?" I asked. Where the hell did that come from?!

"Nope." he said, his face close to mine. "Both are standing next to me." His lips then touched mine. He smiled, and ran off to his car.


	9. Chapter 9

**One week later... **

I was getting better. Ish. I wasn't as scared as I was before, but I wasn't fully healthy yet. It was time to put on my big girl pants, and act like everything was had been one week since the kiss in the rain, since the thunderstorm, since I started coming up from drowning in sadness and fear.

I had passed my physical and mental, for now. Nate isn't really convinced, but he knows me well enough to know that the field was a good place.

I pulled on a pink shirt and some jeans. Just like the old days. I pulled on some jeans, ate some sugary cereal over the sink, and got into my car. I haven't driven it in so long. Deeks dropped it off at my house a few days ago. I didn't see him, but he called to tell me that I'd been sleeping so peacefully on my bed, and that he just dropped it off in my driveway.

I sighed, and turned on the ignition. I drove a different route, like always, and wondered what Deeks was doing now, while listening to the blaring techno music that I play all the time.

I was afraid what they were going to think. Was I the weak, beaten, afraid Kensi Blye like they found me? Or was I the brave Badass Blye they'd come to know? The one who hated hospitals, the one who had a junk food addiction but still looked pretty fit? I pulled up to OSP, and grabbed my coffee from the cup holder. I took a deep breath, and opened the door.

I could hear them saying, "Kensi" or something like that.

"Sounds like she's back to me." said Callen.

"She is." said Sam. "Eyyyy."

"Kensi!" said Callen. They all seemed pretty excited to see me.

"Hey." I said. I was okay. I tried not to let it show so much.

" Oh, I got you a coffee." said my partner. It's like he was also trying to hide the stuff we did together these past few days. "A double espresso with almond milk and two packets of… you already got… a cup."

"I do. Thanks." I said. Another bland reply.

"How are you?" asked Callen.

"Good." I said. How do I stop with these bland replies?"

"Yeah?" asked Sam. He wasn't so convinced.

"Really good." I said, trying to step up my game, but not too much.

"You look good. I mean… that you seem good by the way that you look." said Deeks awkwardly. I smiled a tiny bit.

"It's because I am good." I replied.

"Good." said Callen.

"Good." said Deeks. Why all the goods?

"Good." said Sam. Again?

"Kensi, looking goooood!" I heard the voice of a familar friend. Eric. "Back just in time. We've got a case, guys."

"Welcome back." said Callen, as he went past me.

"Thanks." I said. Happy Kensi was running out.

"Welcome back." said Sam. He went upstairs with the boys. I sighed. How long was I able to hide this? How long until they'd know something was up?

I dropped off my bag and went upstairs. The doors of Ops opened, and I looked around. If they hadn't found me, I'd never see this place again. Everyone was looking at me. Awkward.

"Kens." said Nell, as she typed on the computer and made eye contact with me.

"Hey, Nell." I replied.

"Here's your welcome home prize," said Eric, motioning to the big screen. "Let's tell her what she's won." Why can't people just drop the damn conversation?! They started talking about some guy who was attacked. Former Marines?

"Let's go, partner." said Deeks, as he stood next to me.

"Actually," said Nell. "Hetty wants to speak to you both." Deeks and I looked at each other. There was no way she could've found out. Not unless she had someone spying on me.

"Okay." I said. Once the briefing was done, I made my way down to Hetty's desk with Deeks following me.

"You wanted to see us, Hetty?" I asked.

"Yes, but first, I'd like to join everyone here in welcoming you home." said Hetty. She probably knew.

Shit. This was either the end of our partnership, or another beginning.

**so I forgot what Hetty said to Kensi and Deeks when she told Kensi to stay back a bit. If anyone knows, please tell me in reviews or PM me. **


	10. Windfall

**Forgive me if I make any mistakes with the script. Does anyone know the correct dialogue for the conversation between Hetty and Kensi at the end of the episode? And sooooo sorry for the long wait! I have so much homework and with buying gifts for Christmas and writing a newsletter, and working on my hopefully-will-become-#1-best-seller original stories etc, I haven't had much time to update. But hopefully, will start soon!**

**And please, if anyone knows the script for the Densi break up scene, that would be greatly appreciated! (three hearts) **

* * *

Hearing, that after coming home after months of not seeing my team, talking to my team, or even being in America, that I couldn't even work with my own partner, was shocking, but I wasn't surprised.

After some agent died, Hetty would probably want to keep me "safe" from myself. She must've been afraid that I'd freeze or something like that. She's smart, becuase I probably would. But it was time to put on a show, the Kensi Blye is Sane show.

I couldn't stop myself from giving Nell a mean glare. She didn't do anything. I'd just thought that she'd say something. But she smiled a bit, and I continued up, watching them leave the Mission. I went upstairs into Ops.

There was Eric on his computer, typing away and I just decided to sit down and chill out, knowing I'd be no help at all. I couldn't believe I was back home. I was playing a tablet that someone had given me, and I was bored as hell, and knew that I would better off in the field with Deeks. Like old times.

Time flew by and then it didn't. I sat next to Eric and began to annoy him. Just for fun.

"Could you please stop?" he asked, his voice a little aggravated.

"_I tap and I hum when I'm bored. I also whistle and I click my tongue._" I said, continuing my "annoyingness." Eric continued typing and I went down to the bathroom. I saw flashes of it. I hurried into the bathroom, and made sure to put on the smiling Kensi.

I went into a stall and locked the door, once making sure that no one was in there. "Come on, Kensi." I told myself. "You can survive without him."

Another flash. Whipping. I touched my back, kind of feeling the rough scars that rested on my back. I could still feel the pain. Tears.

"No." I said. "No." I swung open the door and washed my face at least 5 times until I had to courage to go upstairs again. I went into Ops and found that I was alone. Only for the few techs and the computers.

I just kind of zoned out the rest of the day, until Nell came back.

"Hey, Nell." I said. "How was the field?"

She started saying a few things, but the part that really got me was, ""_You know when you really want something. And you get it but somehow it's not the way wanted it at all._" Of course I did.

After the case was solved, we all were downstairs when Hetty called me to her desk.

"Due Adrian Davis' cooperation the DOJ has decided to consider his punishment, time served." said Hetty.

"That's great!" I said. Hopefully this would go in the right direction.

"Yes." said Hetty, still keeping a straight face, but with a little smile

Here it goes: "Would you consider uhmm... doing the same for me?"

"Keeping you here wasn't meant as punishment, Ms.. Blye." said Hetty.

"I know." I said quietly. Better than being beaten.

"The truth is, I don't know, if you're ready. That being said, I don't know that keeping you here would provide... revelations. We won't know, will we? Until you're back out there." said Hetty, like a concerned mother, and then smiled a bit.

I smiled. A real smile. I was back, for real.

"Your friends have missed you, dearly. Go." said Hetty. I went back over to Deeks.

Once Deeks and I pretended to reconnect after so long, the guys went home and it was us in the driveway, sitting by the car.

"Do you want to go?" he asked, not mentioning how today went. Which I was glad for. I didn't need to be reminded.

"Yeah. I think that would be okay." I said, softly, trying not to show my distress show. Flashes of torture hug my mind. Jack. Taliban. _"I found love." "Her name was Mustana." "We had a daughter." "I let go of my past." "I'm not the man you remember." _

I feel Deeks' strong arms around me and touch my cheek. Tears. I must've thought too hard.

The next thing he says kind of hurts, but is also the truth on so many levels.

"I don't know if you're ready, Kens." he said, brushing away my tears.

"I don't know, Deeks. As long as I can convince them that-" I started.

"What? That you're okay? That you're not thinking about this all the time? That you're crying in the bathroom?" he said. "And for what, just to go into the field and freeze up all of a sudden while the bad guys are shooting at us?" He looks at me and brushes some stray hairs off of my face. "I can't loose you again."

"And you won't." I said, pulling about of arms and getting into the passenger seat. "Let's just go."

He didn't say anything the whole ride back to my house. Neither did I.


	11. Three Hearts

**Sorry for the script details! I don't have a copy and I'm trying to watch Densi vids and see if I can get anything after. Now I'm going to start to do Kensi's POV after episodes unless it's super big Densi or something with Afghanistan. **

I walked up to Deeks, dragging my feet a bit. For the first time in forever, we officially got to talk about our thing. No crying, no sleeping together. Just Kensi and Deeks. At work. At our home.

I walk up to his desk. He looks up at me.

"So, about our thing." I say, placing my hands onto his desk. I didn't know what to say. I was kind of in this weird place where I wanted to continue our thing, but then again, I didn't care.

"Right, about our thing."

He talked a bit, and then handed me the knife. I was shattered, but didn't show it. He, the man who kissed me under the rain, who held me as I sobbed. The man I used as MY tether while I was tortured. I took the knife, and put it near the box. His eyes followed, anxious as well.

I took the knife, and cut the tape. Let him see what it was, if he had the courage. I left, leaving him and the box, while I tried to keep my tears in.

"No, no, no." I whispered, as I ran out the Mission doors, into the dark, starry night. I opened my car door, and shut it. I didn't want him to come out. I didn't want him to see.

I started my car engine and pressed onto the gas pedal, pushing, farther, farther. Just a few blocks away, in some suburban neighborhood where the houses were all painted white with different colored doors, I turned off the car,

And began to cry.

* * *

I took the day off today. After a restless night, I didn't want to go back to see him. I knew that he might come around to see how I was, probably bringing some Yummy Yummy Heart Attack. And for that made sure I locked the door.

I had an appointment with my therapist, who I still decided to see, and was going to see my mom for a bit.

"So Kensi, how are you doing? Any better? Any worse?" asked Simone as I sat in her office later that morning.

"I don't know. My boyfriend broke up with me, and I... still get flashbacks." I said, sighing a bit.

"Oh. And was it a heavy break up or an easy one?" asked Simone, writing a bit of notes down on her clipboard.

"In the middle. But it hurt a lot. I mean, he rescued me. Just before I was shipped off, he and I agreed to go slow on our relationship, but to start. And now it's gone." I said.

"Okay. And do you know why you're still getting flashbacks?" asked Simone, changing the subject.

"I don't know. I just can't let them go. When I try, they just hit... me harder." I said, my voice cracking. I put my head in my hands as tears started to trickle out a bit. I felt Simone touch my hand.

"You need a tissue?" she asked, handing me the box of Kleenex. I sniffled and took one.

"I don't know why I'm so weak. I'm usually super tough." I said, blowing my nose. I glanced at my watch. "I have to go meet my mom."

"Sometimes the worst brings out the weakest out of us." said Simone. "And Kensi," she said as I got up.

"Yeah?"

"I'd let go of him as a boyfriend, but bring him in as a friend." said Simone as I opened the door.

"I'll keep that in mind." I said, as I left.

* * *

At my mother's, I sat on her blue floral chair, while she sat in the matching one across from me, holding a cup of tea.

I'd just told her I'd been tortured in Afghanistan. She was in shock, but pretended like she wasn't that hurt. But I knew my mother, she wasn't like that.

"I made my famous chicken parmesan." she smiled, going into the kitchen and got the hot yellow pan out of the oven. She knew I was coming, and knew that that was my favorite meal that she ever made.

"Come on, Kensi." she smiled, setting the table. "Let a mother baby her little girl." I smiled a bit and gave in. Once I walked into the kitchen, she hugged me tightly. Just like the first time I went to her house after 15 years of not seeing her. I didn't say anything, but hugged her back.

"Now, how about we eat, and you can tell me all about Deeks." she said, sitting down. It hurt, but I told myself that she didn't know. I had to tell her.

"So, baby?" Mom said, cutting her chicken. "Is it good?"

"Super." I replied, my mouth full of it. "And, Mom."

"Yes?" she asked.

"Deeks and I... well... we aren't-" I couldn't go on without my voice breaking.

"Oh" said my mom. "And do you plan on going back to work soon?"

"Hopefully." I said, getting more chicken onto my fork. We ate in silence for the rest of the meal.

**Sorry not much happens. In the next chapter, I'll try to add some juice. **


	12. Praesidium

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS: LOS ANGELES OR ITS CHARACTERS, SCRPITS OR ANYTHING ELSE. I ONLY OWN THE CHARACTERS I MADE UP. **

Seeing that little girl today safe was relieving. Back with her family, safe and happy. Maybe a few scary dreams along the way, but she'd be okay. Hetty offered drinks later, but I refused, saying I was going to my mom's house.

I was still in an awkward place with Deeks, but I was so lonely, with only my nightmares and horrifying memories to keep me company.

It was me, wrapped up in an old blanket, rocking myself at 3 in the morning, after my beating came back into my somewhat peaceful dream, and I was so scared.

"Deeks." I said, lightly. I couldn't stop myself from saying it, but no one could hear me, no one would. I tried drying my tears against the old plum colored blanket, my dad's.

"Please, Dad." I whispered. _The Taliban were surrounding me, closing in with their guns. _"Make it stop." My tears wouldn't stop, it was like I was trying to turn off an old faucet, but the handle broke and I couldn't turn the water off.

I lied there in the dark, and tried to distract myself by watching late night T.V and the celebrity interviews, listening to their glamorous lives while regretting all the choices in mine.

* * *

Almost loosing Callen and Sam in that sub was so hard.

But the hardest part was Talia. We'd just ended our thing, and she has to bring it up again.

We were at the explosion scene and while I was examining the evidence, she came over to me. "None of my guys or informants have noticed anything hitting the street. My guess is that they're still cutting the drugs." Yadee, yadee ya. All this case shit, until she mentioned Deeks. Okay, that hug was bad enough, but she can't judge barge in here and act like they've been friends for years. I wonder who've been partners for about 5 years? Oh yeah, us.

We ended up headbutting and punching each other, and then by the end became friends. She too, had the same experience, kind of like ours. His name was Clay Jameson, they met on an op in Mexico. They also had inside jokes, began going out, but the night they were supposed to have another date, he was shot and killed by a few drug smugglers. (well maybe except for the killed part)

We found Callen and Sam when we were in that helicopter, and I was scared as hell when we couldn't see them, when we saw the ripples from the explosion. I almost lost them once, I wasn't going to loose them again.

* * *

It was the day after Wallace's goons arrived. The minute they said that they were going to have interviews and go through our stuff, I knew I was the reason.

I was the sacrificial lamb, and Hetty was the target. Because of what I did. Why was I so stupid!? I just HAD to find out who Jack really was! Doesn't matter who's going to get hurt because of it.

2 guys died just so they could find me! I didn't need this, and I knew Wallace was going to go after me.

She was being a bitch, bossing everybody around, and when she cuffed Callen and led him into the back, I was fuming. How could she do this to us? That damn warrant didn't mean a thing. It's just paper.

And I could hear her yell, "Son of a bitch!", and smiled lightly. Of course Callen wasn't going to stick around.

_Knife, sword, punching... Stop Kensi, I told myself. Talib, screaming, Jack... _

I didn't realize that my hand was shaking until Wallace called my name. "Blye! Agent Blye, time for your interview." I looked back at Deeks and went ahead.

She had me sit down on the suspect side of the table. The side I only sat on once before, when I was being framed for murder. Wallace placed a recorder onto the table. I really had to think about what to say.

"Let's go back to the beginning." she said. "Who was Jack Simon?"

Who was Jack? Former love of my life, gone, who knows? "He was a marine." Good enough. I fought to keep the beating at the back of my head, and not let it show.

"A marine you were engaged to."

"A long time ago." I replied. No alarm, stay calm, Kens. I held my shaking fist under the table.

"The CIA believes that Jack Simon was the White Ghost, an American civilian helping the Taliban." said Wallace, glaring at me.

Alright, Kensi. Something smart and that annoys her. "We all know how accurate CIA intelligence is."

"Was your fiancé the White Ghost?" pressed Wallace. Stay cool, Kens, it's okay.

"There was no 'White Ghost'" I said, letting the annoyance show a bit.

She adjusted her glasses. "So you went halfway around the world, for several months, chasing misinformation?"

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" I said.

Then, she struck. "During which time, you were kidnapped by the Taliban. How'd that happen?" she asked, adjusting her glasses again, and looking up at me with those demon eyes.

Anger bubbled inside of me, and I don't know why. Maybe because she was bringing back memories that I didn't want coming back. "What do you mean what happened?"

"Why were you off the forward operating base alone?" asked Wallace, her tone equally rising.

"I was following a lead." I said, glaring at her, flames probably igniting in my eyes. Flames of anger, hopelessness and nightmares.

"In hostile territory by yourself? Without telling anyone where you were going and what you were doing? That's stupid, or intentional. Either way, it cost the taxpayers millions of dollars for the operation to get you back. Including one million in cash that was paid to your captors. And that seems extraordinary, considering it's been this country's policy that we don't negotiate with terrorists."

My mind was racing, stay calm, Kensi, stay calm. But that didn't work. She kept going though. "Do you have any idea how many guns, bombs, U.S deaths that money will finance?"

That's when I had had enough. "Do you any idea what I went through in captivity?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her. "Have you ever been in front of the enemy, while someone you think you love is being tortured for information you don't know about along side you? Do you know what it's like to have someone hold a sword in front of your neck and tell you how they're going to kill you? To have the fear, adrenaline and the sense of death surging through your veins?"

"Agent Blye, I do not need another description of your torture. I read the report. Now, can you verify that these are in fact your wounds?" she pulled put a file, and read from it. Oh god. Hetty said she shredded that. "Whipping wounds, cracked nose, cracked ribs, bruises, malnutrition-"

"Yes." I said, my eyes swelling with tears. "Now, I'm leaving. I think you've caused enough pain and disruption for one damn day!" I marched out, and she followed me.

There was Deeks, sitting on the couch next to two other goons who looked like they wanted to shoot themselves. I needed them to leave, and I needed Deeks. This burden couldn't keep itself in anymore.

"Oh, it's about time! You're done! Hey did you finish your book report?" he asked, standing up. Please, Deeks. Chase them away, chase them away and take all my pain away! I was on the verge of breaking, my walls were cracking and emotions were beginning to leak out. "Alright, my turn."

"We're done for now. We'll be in touch." snapped Wallace. I knew it. It was get the info out of me, and go back to Washington to throw Hetty into the fire.

"You're missing out, I know where the bodies are buried, I also know what the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices. That's right! Secret recipe! See you later!" He turned to me as they shut the door. "You okay?"

Might as well use up the rest of Badass Blye's energy now, but it wouldn't last long. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Oh yeah, maybe I would be because I was tortured!

"I don't know, what did they ask you about?"

"Um... just Hetty, ... ah, Afghanistan."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.

"Nope." I said, walking towards the windows, as if they could mask my emotions. The tears began welling in my eyes. _Torturer. Sword. _

"I always find it helps me when I talk about the things that are bothering me." Oh god, Deeks. Stop it. I don't want to.

"It's funny cause...um... it never helps when you're bothering me." I said with a small pained laugh.

"Touché." He laughed too. It was the memory of that laugh that kept me going. "Except I'm being serious. Come on, partners don't keep secrets."

Partners, partners. We were so much more than partners. I wanted to hug him so tightly, I wanted his arms around mine again. "Partners..."

"I mean, that's what we are, right? Partners?" he continued. "Come on, low five. Hit me, don't leave me hanging." A tear was pushing its way out of my eye. I low fived him, but without the eye contact. I'm tough, he shouldn't see me like this. "You didn't really connect, you got to make good eye contact, or else it doesn't count."

I gave up the toughness. I wanted to be babied. I highfived him and made eye contact. I knew he could see the pain that hid behind me. The pain that was now exposed.

"Oh my god, come here." he said, pulling me into his arms. I hugged him back, and I felt his hand on my head, as if he were cradling me. This was where I felt safest. My partner is the person I care about most. Even more than my mother, and just a little more than my father. The tears came breaking out at that point. "It's okay."

"I just want to forget what happened." I croaked, trying to stay as calm as possible, which was defiantly not working.

"Shh, Shh. I know you do. I know you do, but you can't." he said, stroking my hair. I couldn't stop shaking. "And the harder you try, the harder it's going to fight back, trust me. You just got to let it out. You gotta make peace with it. But that takes time." A tear fell down my cheek.

I sniffled and pulled away, wiping it off. "I'm so much tougher than this."

"I know you are. You're tougher than me, and that's tough." he smiled. "Even with this adorable veneer."

I laughed a bit. Deeks really knew how to wreck the moment, but with an attempt at comedy. "And just like that, the moment is long gone."

"That's okay." he said, touching my face. "I got more moments." Of course you do, Deeks. Of course you do.

**Finally updated! I'll skip a few episodes maybe until Humbug? Thx for reading and I hope you take the time to tell me how I did with the scene! I'm also pretty sure I misspelled vintner. Or used the wrong one. And sorry for the long update break. So much reality is coming through and I haven't had much time for this one. **


	13. Chapter 13

Deeks came over that night, even though we'd decided to take that night off. We eventually found our way into my bed, and there we were; him shirtless and in shorts, me in a loose shirt and shorts as well.

I hugged him tightly; it now being my turn to comfort him. He hugged me back, and I felt slight tears falling gently onto my own cheeks. I looked up at him, into those same blue eyes that I looked into when we kissed again.

My own eyes started tearing, and I gently wiped his salty tears away from his scruffy cheeks. "Deeks," I said, my voice slightly cracking. "I don't care. I don't care if we aren't a normal couple. And we aren't. I don't know if any normal couples help each other through traumatic experiences. I just want you."

I moved closer to him, and gently pressed my lips against his. He kissed me back. "My Deeks," I whispered, stroking his hair, his shaggy hair. "My only, perfect, wonderful Deeks. I'm right here for you."

"I know, Fern." he whispered, lightly touching my cheek. "Thapa was one cool cat." We both laughed softly. "And he told me that thing about smiles. How they're home. And how when we're with the people we love, we're home. Home is the heart."

_Whip. _NO. No, no, no, no. This was not- _That man with the sword. _

"Kens?" I heard him say, but it felt so far away. This wasn't supposed to be about me, but about me comforting him. "Kensi? You hear me? Hang on to my voice. Listen, Kens!" I felt like I was under water. _"Help me! Someone please!" _my desperate screams echoed through my mind, consuming it. I buried my face into his chest, my head resting on his arm.

"Please, Kens." his voice slightly breaking, his hand stroking my hair. "Don't go. Stay here, they're not here. Please, Kensi, they're not here." I nodded, whimpering, which was something I barely did

"I'm sorry, Deeks." I sobbed, finally breaking. "It was supposed to be about me t-taking c-care of you, a-an-"

"No, Fern. It's okay. I'm okay, I know you're here for me, and I still have to be here for you. Okay, princess. Kay-Kay?" I smiled a sad smile when he said that annoying nickname. It was good to get out a bit. I told my friends that the museum had me go to Afghanistan for artifacts and was taken by the Taliban.

I had to tell them about the Taliban part when I bent over in the girl's bathroom and my scars showed. Kat got really teary and hugged me really tightly and for a long time, and then everyone joined in and I told them I didn't want it to be a burden and Tiffany B. gave me a shot of vodka and said how we were forever friends and I could tell them anything.

"Kensi, you want me to stay?" he whispered, kissing my temple softly; like I was a baby. I nodded a bit. Maybe I wanted to be babied.

I felt him pull the covers over us, and he pulled me close to him. "We got each other, Kens. We got each other." I just pulled myself closer to him, and tried to shut out everything, except him.

* * *

My phone was the thing that woke me up that morning. Deeks was still holding me; asleep and at peace. I carefully got my phone, and noticed that Mandy texted me.

_You, me, our beach. _

_When? _I texted back. Our beach was where the girls and I would always go to hang out and usually surf if it was good.

She almost immediately texted back. _As soon as possible. Let's say 6. _I glanced over at my watch. It was 5:30. That was Mandy, super peppy and an early bird and night owl.

I kissed Deeks' neck and slid out of his arms. "You running away, Fern?" he yawned. I leaned over and kissed his soft lips.

"Mandy wants me to meet her at a place. Just tell Hetty I'll be a little late today." I said, turning away to pull on a bra. I chose a pale pink t shirt, jeans and my usual boots.

I smiled a bit as Deeks was asleep again, and ran out of my room, got in my car, and drove down to the small beach. The sun was rising over the ocean, and there was Mandy, wearing one of her usual hipster outfits, overalls and a printed t-shirt under.

"Kensi," she said, pulling me into an unexpected hug. "You know that you can tell me anything." We sat down on the small wooden bench behind us, and she took my hands and held them. I had a weird feeling about this.

"I know, Mandy." I said. "But why'd you make me come out here at 6 in the morning just for you to tell me that?"

She looked at me with sad eyes. "Kens, there is no way you're a curator at a museum, or something like that, and you were sent to Afghanistan. And you texted me instead of Deeks a few nights ago. Saying you need him, that it was back." she pulled me into a hug, and her voice was cracking. "Please, Kensi. Just be honest with me. We're worried about you."

I hugged her back, and felt like I was choking. I had to tell her. All of them. "I'm struggling a bit. You know, being held captive isn't exactly a picnic. And I just don't to-"

"You're not a burden, Kens." she interrupted. "You're our friend, my friend. And what kind of best friends would we be if we left you on your own?"

"Mandy, I know that you know symptoms and everything, but how'd you-"

"You weren't yourself. You put on that fake Kensi Blye happiness when you're not happy and you're 'supposed to be'" said Mandy, releasing me. She looked me in the eye. I needed to compose myself. Mandy was the type of person whose caring could break you down into tears, and my eyes were tearing right now.

"Mandy-" I warned. "I don't need to be babied right now. I just want to let it go, and hang out with you guys, like the old times."

She nodded slightly, her auburn waves bouncing. "Happily. But if you need anything, I'm here. I'm a certified-"

"Certified therapist, I know." I rolled my eyes. We both burst out laughing. Luckily for me, I have nosy, weird, quirky friends, and boyfriend.

**I'm sorry I skipped the Humbug scene, but I got a burst of inspiration and wrote this. Hope you liked it!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Another one of those shitty days. But I find that when you're sadder, the better your sadder scenes will be. So I'm going to stuff the negativity into my story and give it to Kensi. I don't think that if she said, "It was really bad.", the next episode, she's completely fine. They showed it in Praesidium, (not sure I spelled that right) and they haven't shown anything since. That's pretty much the reason I'm writing this story, and I hope the writers include more backstory soon. **

It had been a few days after Mandy talked to me on the beach. I'd been having more flashbacks then usual, so I took a few days off, telling Hetty that my mom needed help with her house, and she just nodded. I knew that she knew that it had to do with Afghanistan when she said:

"You can always be honest with me, Ms. Blye. Remember, we're always a call away."

I was sitting on a bench near a little park in my neighborhood. It was one I rarely visited, but it was quiet and nice. There were little kids playing on the structure, their parents watching them from the benches, skateboarders zooming by with headphones over their ears and humming against the cement. It was a good place to just relax. I was sitting for a while, just absorbing everything.

My mind wandered. _Where was Deeks now? Where they in danger? How were they? How am I? Should I see Nate?_

I walked back to my house and ended up closing the windows, pulling the curtains and burying myself in somewhat clean blankets. I didn't remember the last time I did laundry. Maybe Deeks did while I was being a lazy ass. I just started thinking about my dad, and grabbed a tattered brown photo album with him, Mom and me. Baby pictures of me, Dad and I going fishing for the first time, me sleeping in my dad's arms, my mom hugging me after my school recital.

And the last photo in the album was the last one I'd ever taken with him. "Oh god, Dad. If only you were here right now." I said, pulling it out, and lightly touching my dad's face. It was him at some military event and I was wearing some blue dress that went down to my knees. That was about a week before he died.

I felt a tear fall from my cheek and onto it. I gently pressed my lips onto the old photograph. I heard a knock at my door, and I pulled myself from the nest of blankets I had and peered through the curtains to see who it was.

And there he was; Operational Psychologist Nate Getz. Hetty must've sent him my way. I didn't like anyone, rarely Deeks, seeing my valuable side. But this time, I honestly just needed someone as my support system, since I barely had one. It was like I was fifteen again, me in his bed, clutching his shirts, my sobs echoing through the empty house.

I hesitated at opening the door, but went through with it, and before he could even say hi, I hugged him. I could feel his surprise, but embraced me back. "I take it that you're not doing too well, kiddo?" I nodded.

"I just kind of need someone right now."

"I know." he said, kissing the top of my head. "Let's sit down or something, okay? We can talk." I let him in, and quickly shut the door behind him. The living room was still dark and messy, and I had no intention of pulling the curtains back. We just sat on the couch, Nate and I, and I just rested my head on his shoulder.

Believe it or not, he was basically the first friend I made at NCIS. Before Callen, before Sam, obviously before Deeks.

"You looking back?" he asked, taking the photo in hand. I nodded. I was cracking again. Again! The floods were coming, before my emotional walls were rebuilt.

"I need him back, Nate." I sighed, a tear dropping down my face. "He's the only one who'd understand."

"I know." he said, rubbing my shoulder. "If you want, I can call Deeks or Hetty or someone-"

"No, Nate." I butted in, wiping my eyes. "I don't want them to see me as a weakling." Crying showed weakness, and Badass Blye was what my team expected of me, and Badass Blye never cried for nothing.

"Kensi, look at me." he said, turning to face me; in all seriousness. "They know you're not a weakling, Kens. You went through what most people would find unbearable, and your team knows what that's like. They can help you, Kensi. You need to teach yourself that asking for help isn't weakness, it's because you're brave enough to."

"I'll call Deeks, I guess." I sighed, and stood up. "You want something?"

"No thanks. I'm leaving soon anyway. Rose and I have... something." he smiled. I laughed a soft laugh. Rose and Nate were one of the most complicated couples out there. He pulled me into another hug. "Good seeing you, Kens. And if you need me, just call me. I'm in town for another two days, and then I'm out."

"I'll keep that in mind." I said, patting him on the back. I opened the door, and stood by it as he walked down the street. I shut the door, and pulled out my phone. I pressed the call button and waited for him to answer.

"Hey there, Shaggys, or Fern! You've reached Marty, just leave a message, and I'll get back to you." his voicemail played. I played it again, and again, and again, just to hear the sound of his voice; the only thing that kept me sane.

**Hoped u liked it. After next week's episode, I'll use it and add some juice or something. Feel free to tell me if u liked it' **


	15. Chapter 15

**BIG NOTE: THIS STORY WILL ONLY BE UPDATED WHEN I FEEL LIKE THE EPISODE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH AFGHANISTAN. (or if it was). "Why, Love?" Because this is fan fiction, and this particular fan fic is based off "actual" events in the show. And since the writers haven't given me anything juicy, hopefully "Field of Fire" will give me something. Sorry about that, but I kind of want to start something new, if anything hits me. **

I was awoken by a scream that made my blood run cold. It was Kensi, and it sounded as though someone was stabbing her in gut repeatedly. This was the first time after a few weeks that she had a nightmare.

"Kensi! Kensi, hey!" I said, starting to try the gentlest way he could think of to wake her up. "Listen to me, it's Deeks!"

"Deeks! NO! Don't touch him!" she screamed, sobbing and kicking. It shattered my heart to see her like this. I managed to get over to her ear without being hit and whispered into it.

"Kens, Fern, it's me! You're not there, I promise. You're in bed with me, and my awesomeness and-" her eyes shot open and she made eye contact with me and began sobbing again. I sat up and pulled her into my arms; her head on my chest, and my arms protectively around her and my hand stroking her hair.

"I couldn't get out, Deeks." she cried. "I'-I'm j-just s-so broken!" I felt tears form in my eyes. It had been- what- almost a year since she was rescued, and she was still facing the nightmares and she was still a recluse. But when she was at work, she hid it, and that was when I loved seeing her. The true Kensi Marie Blye who wasn't tortured, or at the least recovered.

"Shh. Listen to me," I said, looking down at her, and rubbed her shoulder. "It's all in your mind. You have to tell yourself that, Kens. Remember what I told you? Let it out, and make peace with it." Kensi looked up at me with teary eyes. "I know, Deeks. But everyone is either pitying me, or making it worse. Which makes it impossible to try and make peace with it. That is, except you."

I felt her pull closer to me and I held her tighter. "Once the sun comes out a bit, you want to go for a run or something? Clear your mind?" She nodded, and we both fell asleep that way, safe, and in each other's arms.

* * *

When we came home from work that night, we went to my place, carefully watching to make sure Rivera didn't spot us, if she was still watching.

_Everything they have against you... me. _

I was what the LAPD wanted to use against my own partner, and that sickened me. Deeks, Deeks. Why did he deserve it? Out of all the people?

"Why can't you just leave the LAPD?" I whispered as we laid on the couch in each other's arms, all safe and warm for the time being. "Why can't you forget about them, and come to NCIS as an agent? Agent Deeks has a nice ring to it."

"I would if I could, Kensi. Trust me, but I can't." he replied, looking down at me, and pressed a light kiss onto my lips. "I won't let them touch you, because you're mine, girlfriend."

A light smile took over my face. There was Deeks, always ready to create a moment and ruin it with some weird... anything. But I loved him, and he was like no one else. My mind wandered to the talk Sam had with me today.

"Deeks?"

"Yeah, princess?" he said taking a sip of his beer.

"You ever thought about kids?" I asked. Deeks spit out his beer and started coughing. "You mean like, you and me?"

I was taken back, and my face showed it. He noticed it. "Sorry, I was just surprised to hear that phrase come out of your mouth." he looked at me with playful eyes. "Because, Kens, I need to know whether there's something that's half you and half me, swimming in your uterus."

I was ready to punch him in the arm, but let it go. "No! God, Deeks, you think I'm that irresponsible?"

"No," he said, scooping me up and stood up. "But I'm never against any practice that might help us get there."

"Neither am I." I winked, and we soon forgot about Rivera and today and left that waiting for tomorrow.

* * *

I really did love it when he talked detective. His lips were smushing against mine and I was pushing myself against him.

"I see how you winded up in prison in the first place, Ms. Blye." he said between kisses.

"What?" I asked, after sitting up. I was out of breath.

"Never mind. You done for tonight?" he asked, ruffling his hair. I nodded. I wanted to be done with everything, except him.

**Super short****, but no inspiration! Remember, I can and will always take prompts and/or ideas!**


	16. Chapter 16

**So sorry for the long break! I had no inspiration until a little bit and that was when life barged through my door, but I'm back and am SOOOOO EXCITED FOR THE SEASON FINALE! Again: I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS, SCRIPT OR ANYTHING EXCEPT MY OWN CHARACTERS. (and maybe some of my words) rest belongs to CBS. **

"Kensi, Deeks, you in position?"

"Just got set up." I called back, peering through my scope. It had been a while since I last looked through one. The longer, the better.

"I got the podium in my sights, which means if Connor's out there, he's close too." added Deeks. My mind went back to the side of the dusty ledge, where I'd set up. Where I almost killed Jack. What if Deeks had been there with me? Would I go to the cave? What if I didn't? _No, Kensi. Focus!_

"Connor's field of fire has a number of distant buildings to make the shot from." I added, looking at almost every building in the distance

"How're you holding up behind that scope, Kensi?" asked Granger. Of course he'd say that. He was my father's friend, of course he cared about me. That's why he looked so determined to find me, and so relieved in the helicopter.

"I'm good." I replied, keeping an eye out for the Marine sniper. I felt Deeks look over at me, and he said, "Copy that, she's good." Was I good? Was I ready to do this? Was I ready to kill someone? But I didn't want to kill Connor Rutnam. It would be like killing Jack. And I never wanted to give Lisa, even though she's a bitch, the pain of loosing her father at the same age I'd lost mine.

"We've got our eyes on every distant building out here." said Deeks, continuing to peer through the black binoculars.

"Maybe that's the problem. Whoever set this up wanted the assurance that his long distance sniper didn't get spotted."

"Put him in a closer building." replied Deeks. God, why couldn't he cancel? The stress... _Jack... _no Kens! Eyes on the prize, even though there really was no prize in this situation. I peered through my scope some more, and noticed the barrel of a sniper. "Got movement."

"Sit rep, Agent Blye."

"I got Connor close under the tarp at 2 o'clock."

"I got him." said Deeks.

"What's the location?" Callen's voice echoed through our earpieces. What if my sniper experience went bad? Would I be in Connor's position? Locked in a mental hospital, "dangerous" and could easily be abused by drugs or anything that could get me out of my locked mind?

"Agent Blye, if Connor lines up to shoot, you take him out." snapped Granger, shaking me out of my thoughts. "Copy that."

"Kensi, we're here. Connor in position yet?" asked Sam over the comms.

"Almost." I warned.

"Kensi, we can't take any chances." added Granger. Deeks looked over at me. "Kens." he said in a concerned and firm voice.

"Hold off, we're almost there." So many people breathing down my neck.

"Kens," asked Deeks again. "You good?"

"I'm fine." I snapped, focusing on Connor. How was I going to not kill him while protecting the mullah?

"Agent Blye, you're not going to get another opportunity." echoed Granger.

"This isn't his fault." argued Sam. "Just give us a chance."

"We have to stop him." Granger replied. Deeks stepped in. "Sam and Callen are on the roof." "Take the shot, Agent Blye." said Granger. "Kensi, take the shot."

"Sam, I'm sorry." As a mini shootout began taking place on the roof, Connor's finger was the trigger, and I reacted, without thinking. I pulled the trigger and hit his rifle, knocking him over.

Memories filled my mind. _"Nice shot, Kens." Jack, I almost killed Jack again. _I began breathing heavily, trying to calm myself down.

"That's a hell of a shot ,partner." added Deeks.

"Yeah." I gulped.

_It was my team, female engagement team, and we were nestled up on a hill in the desert, our burqas off and in the dust of Iraq. I was behind the scope, looking for a target. _

_"Blye, go call it in." whispered Randy Anderson. "I got it from here." Randy, was my best friend from training, and she was going to be my maid of honor at my wedding later that year. I looked down at the small ring on my finger, how the small diamond gently glistened in the desert sun. _

_But things went wrong immediately. I heard something pop, and a shout. Randy was down. Another bullet, except it pierced my vest. I felt a stab of pain in my ribs, and looking over at my teammate, who was slowly dying. _

_"Go.." she whispered. "Save yourself." _

_"I'm not leaving you." I said firmly through tears. _

_"Don't be a hero, Kens! You have Jack. Get back to Jack." and her eyes closed. Through the rain of bullets, I ducked and grabbed her dogtags and raced back to base with the rest of the soldiers on my team. _

_Back in the medical tent, Jack immediately rushed in, I could hear his concern, even from outside the tent. I was woozy, having woken up from surgery, and I fell back asleep. But I woke up a few minutes later, and found him, in his desert gear, sweat glistening on his face, and he was gently stroking my hair. _

_"Hey, baby." he whispered. I just looked at him with sad eyes. Randy was gone. My best friend was gone. Thanks to a sniper. He held me tight, until I was shipped back home, and I was honorably discharged, and Jack was sent off to Fallujia. Never to return the same again. _

I put away my rifle in the armory and just sat down on the cold tile floor, my arms around my legs, and I just started rocking. Rocking as unwanted images were projected into my mind.

I rocked in the dark, as tears silently descended down my cheeks. "Please." I whispered. "Please make it stop." I didn't know who I was talking to. Maybe my father, maybe Jack, maybe Dom, maybe anybody who could help me. But nobody could help me. The memories all came at me at once, I couldn't process them all.

_"Kensi! Kensi! Kensi! Help me!" "It was really bad." "Her name was Mustana" "Chop off head slowly." "CIA" _

"Kensi! Fern, where are you?" I heard echoing down the hall. "I know you want some bu- oh my god." I turned over to look at his now blurry figure. When I saw those eyes, I burst out sobbing. He immediately ran over to me and pulled me into his arms, rocking me and kissed the top of my head.

"Let it out, Kens." he whispered, stroking my hair. "Let it out." I knew Hetty was probably watching us from the cameras, and Callen and Sam would be back soon to put away their guns, but I didn't care about any of them. Deeks was here, and that's all that mattered.

"I-t-t-t was s-s-so real." I sniffled between sobs, as I clung to him. I smelled his cologne and his shampoo that always used. It was fresh, and I just wanted to go to bed with him. We would snuggle under the warm covers together, my head on his chest, his arms around me. And I'd feel safe. It's the only place I feel very safe. So safe I can tell him anything.

"Hey," he whispered, wiping away the loose tears from my face after a few minutes of crying. "Let's get out of here." I nodded, but I didn't want to walk. I was too tired, too occupied. He noticed that, and helped me stand up, and led me out, putting his jacket around my shoulders. We walked through the back, and we bumped into Callen and Sam, who looked very concerned when they saw my red eyes and Deeks leading me out.

"You okay, Kens?" asked Sam, patting my shoulder gently. I shook my head, and Callen gave me a light hug. "We'll see you soon, Kens." They knew me well enough not to go into details, and Deeks helped me out to the car. I looked up as I buckled in, up at the glistening stars and the dark indigo that covered the sky above us. I didn't know why I wanted to be babied, even if I hated it. But now, I was exhausted and lost, and Deeks was my compass.

We drove back in silence, but I felt his soft hands take mine and I looked over at him, and he quickly looked over at me. He looked worried. Like a father. It took me back to one day in high school. I was more teased than ever. I felt so claustrophobic, I got my period in the middle of lunch, and I ended up fainting in the middle of 5th period. I was a bit out of it, but I'd never seen him so worried. He helped me into the car and we went back to base, where he fed me and he basically did my homework while I got sleep. We watched TV and played spit-

"Kens, we're here." said Deeks, snapping me out of my trance. "We're home." I looked out, and saw my house. He offered to help me out, but I pushed him away and walked up the driveway and into the house. I walked into my bedroom and fell onto my bed. I took off my jeans and was too tired to put any shorts on. Deeks jumped in after putting our stuff away, and he stripped down only to his boxers.

"I bet this'll make you feel better. You don't see a body like this in your bed everyday." he smiled, pointing to his abs. I laughed lightly, and replied with what I thought was pretty good comeback. "Yeah, not when you put ugly tank tops over it."

"Touché." he said, and kiss me lightly on the lips, his taste lightening me up. I pulled myself closer to him, and rested my head on his chest, as he twirled my hair with his fingers. "I love you, Kensi."

"I love you too, Deeks." I whispered back, returning a kiss back to him. "And thank you."

"Anything for you, Kens. Anything for you." he whispered as I fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

The week after that, we were in a car accident.

It scared the shit out of me, and now that this Russian criminal was in the wind with Arkady's daughter, it looked like we needed to head to Russia. My ears still rung when Deeks and I came home. I found a cut on my neck and bandaged it when no one was looking.

What if that car was a truck? What if it hit us harder than it really did? Would I be dead? Would Deeks- no, I can't think like that. We're safe, thankfully it was nothing. Deeks lightly pinched my cheek.

"You still shakin' up, Fern?" he asked, placing a gentle kiss on my temple. I only looked into those beautiful piercing eyes of his, and intertwined my fingers with his.

"I could've lost you, Deeks." I said, stepping closer to him, feeling his presence even more. "We could've both-"

"Shh." he said, pulling me into a hug. "But we're not, Kens. We still got each other, we're still fighting bad guys and looking fantastic while doing so."

I smiled, and kissed his cheek. "I'm tired, Deeks." He picked me up gently, bridal style and carried me off to bed, where again, another peaceful night passed.

It would be the last one we'd have in a long time.

**Review? Hopefully the season finale will inspire me and then we'll only have the fanfics, old episodes and fan videos to get us through the long period of fangirl depression, aka hiatus. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Now an edited version! Still not too happy with it, but it's called being tired and fed up with people (mostly friends), so yeah...**

I woke up around 3 am, a few days after our encounter with Arkady, my sweat making my shirt cling to my skin, I was hot and scared from fever and the plague of nightmares. I knew I was sick, but decided to not disturb Deeks and go for an early morning walk.

I pulled on a thin black t shirt, black leggings and grabbed my iPod and phone. I got my sneakers and headed out into the cool morning air.

I buried myself into the music, and as the sorrowful memories waltzed along with the music, I tried to listen to the baseline, to find some rhythm that my life never had. The sky was becoming lighter, like an ombre, and the morning calm was beginning to disappear, as the birds began chirping and a rare car roared down the street.

As my breath grew weaker, I pushed myself harder. I must've walked only for five minutes when I fell onto my knees on the grass, and leaned against a tree. Sweat was beaded across my forehead and I fought to stay awake. I wanted to reach for my phone, but couldn't remember my password.

"Deeks," I whimpered softly to myself. "Please come get me." Everything was blurred and distorted and I couldn't focus. My eyes darted from place to place, and I waited for what seemed like a long time before a scruffy, tired looking man with piercing blue eyes came over from his car and hugged me gently, as if I was the most delicate thing that could break with the slightest fall.

"Come on, Kens." he whispered to me, as he was picking me up. "Let's get you home." He helped me into a car, and he drove me back to my house, where I fell into a slumber until I woke up and found a cold towel on my forehead and a light blanket over my abdomen. I looked down and found that the sheets were whiter than the ones at my house, and my room was different.

Because it wasn't my room. Once I finally regained my senses, I realized I was in the hospital.

* * *

Instead of feeling the warmth of my partner, I found covers tossed aside. I had a mini panic attack, but stopped it. Maybe she went to the bathroom, Deeks, I told myself.

"Kens?" I called out. No answer. "Kensi!" I called again. Nothing. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, trying not to trip on anything in the dark. I looked into the bathroom, kitchen, living room, backyard, driveway. Nope.

Now I was worried. I ran inside, grabbed my keys to the car and jumped in. She couldn't have gone far. I luckily had Eric download programs on our phones where we could track each other's phones. I turned it on, and found the pink little Kensi dot on the screen. I clicked it, and it zoomed from me, just down the street. I saw her signal, it wasn't moving.

I turned on my car, tossing my cellphone into the drink compartment, and drove down the street, looking over on the right side. And after 2 minutes, I saw a shadow, a Kensi-like shadow resting against a tree. I pulled over and ran over to her, nearly tripping over my own feet.

I knelt down in front of her. Sweat beaded on her forehead, her breathing was heavy, and her skin was as hot as a boiling tea kettle. I gently brushed her forehead, and gently scooped her up.

"Come on, Kens. Let's get you home." I said, as I helped her into the car. As we drove back, I noticed her head bobbing, her eyes darting from place to place. She was defiantly not okay. Once we got back to her house, she wasn't responding. She was breathing, she had a pulse, but she looked so bad I couldn't just stand around.

I got out of the car, and inside and, got a cool towel from the kitchen, and ran back out as I could. I placed it on her forehead.

"Kens, can you hear me?" I asked, kissing her temple lightly. Nothing, she only responded with a small cough. I hopped in and immediately drove her to the hospital, dodging cars as I drove hectically down the street.

As we approached the ER, I noticed she was turning her head a bit, but most likely in her sleep. I carried her out, and then I noticed I wasn't wearing a shirt. I looked down, thank god I was wearing pants. If I wasn't, I'd dig through Kensi's stash in the trunk. I ran into the ER, and begged the nurse to find a room for her fast.

Luckily it wasn't too busy. The nurses got her on a gurney and wheeled her down into a little room, while I had to stay in the waiting room. It was me, a drunk guy with a super large cut on his forehead, and a mother with a kid who broke her elbow.

After what seemed like an hour, a nurse came back and called me back in. "We took her temperature. It was 104." My eyes widened.

"We got it down a bit, and we tested a bit of her blood and found a mixture of PTSD medication and adrenaline fatigue pills. Not to be rude ,sir, but is your girlfriend-"

"No, no. She has a mild case of PTSD and adrenaline fatigue, she probably must've had them together. They look exactly the same-"

"That's okay. We'll probably want you to help her take her pills if she's tired. Do you live together?" she asked.

"Yeah. I'll help her. Thank you." I said. The nurse nodded, and went back into Kensi's room, leaving me alone in the hall.

* * *

A nurse came in to check up on me and she took my temperature. "Good," she said to herself.

She turned her focus towards me. "It looks like your fever's down. You scared us all quite a bit, especially your boyfriend. You want me to bring him in?" I only nodded, my throat was too sore for talking.

The nurse left and in came a very tired looking Marty Deeks, the love of my life who had dark circles under his eyes. He came over to my bedside, and took my hand in his. "Hey, Fern. Good to see you awake."

"What happened?" I whispered ever so softly.

"Apparently your meds didn't mix well. Did you take your adrenaline fatigue pills or whatever they're called with your PTSD pills?" asked Deeks. My mind shifted to the night before, when I last remembered taking them. They both looked the same, but you were supposed to take 2 PTSD pills and one for adrenaline fatigue, and at different times. But I was tired, I probably just mixed them together. I nodded.

"They wanted to keep you here for observation, and you'll get out tomorrow, if you have no fever overnight. Doc also ran blood tests, and a few other things and I'm supposed to help you take your meds at night."

I gave him a 'Really? Do you think I'm going to let you baby me?' look.

"Hey, can't break rules, Kens. We're supposed to enforce them" joked Deeks, kissing my forehead.

"I want to go home, Deeks." I sighed, grabbing his hand. "I want to go to your house and then just curl up with you and Monty and... and..." I began loosing my train of thought as I felt really sleepy and I tumbled into sleep. "You son of a bitch." I smiled as the last thing I saw were his eyes.

* * *

Russia was harder than I thought it was going to be. It was when my adrenalin fatigue came in.

It was after we fought in the parking lot, and as we got Ana back to Hetty's house, I crashed on the couch from exhaustion.

"Kens!" yelled Deeks.

"Deeks, I'm fine." I said tiredly, trying to stand up. It was like it was last week all over again. Except I didn't feel hot, I felt tired, my knees were shaking, and my mind couldn't process anything. The door shut behind us. Ana was gone.

"No. Sit down, Kensi. I'll get you some water. " said Deeks as he rushed into Hetty's kitchen.

"I'm okay." I yelled, my voice slightly cracking. "It's j-just my adrenalin fatigue." Deeks ran back and handed me the water. Once I downed it all down, I fell into his arms, and tried to just breathe his scent in. His was surf wax and gunpowder. He didn't say anything, he just lied down, and I placed my head on his shoulder, and his arm pulled me closer to him. Deeks was on the edge of the small sofa while I was nestled in the back.

"You're scaring me, Kens." he sighed, looking into my eyes. "First you've got meds mixed up, now this, I-"

"Deeks, it's not the first time this has happened..." my mind drifted off. Nothing happened this time. For some reason, around this time, something really bad always happened. Nothing happened today. But I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen. Something pretty bad.

"You good?" he asked with a yawn.

"Fine, just tired." I yawned and I closed my eyes just as the door to the apartment opened and I heard Sam and Callen's voices.

* * *

Noticing a sleeping Kensi and Deeks on the couch was pretty cute. I looked over at Sam, and he looked back at me. It was kind of adorable seeing Kensi fall in love with this Shaggy cop. In the end, we loved them both.

"You know, G," smiled Sam. "I won't be surprised if we see a few mini Shaggys and Kickass Kensis running around the bullpen soon." I laughed at the thought, and then thought of how awkward that sounded.

**Not much with Afghanistan, I know. But there were NO Densi scenes at all in the finale, which honestly disappointed me. This was Densi's best season so far, and not one tiny romantic scene. I'll spend my hiatus writing, and being bored out of my mind. (and looking for spoilers ;)**

**In late July, I'm going to a place with little to no internet access, so I'll probably be **

**Thanks for reading, and if I do publish any chapters over the summer, then they'll most likely be more on the fictional side.**


	18. Chapter 18

I couldn't stop thinking about my father as we were heading back home from LAX. Callen couldn't find his, but I had an odd feeling like there was something else.

I thought about Dad. His usual buzz cut, which I loved to playing with when I was little, pretending it was a porcupine. His warm brown, almost black, eyes and how we'd make that eye contact while working on cars or on the range, they would just whisper "I love you, baby girl." His deep, comforting voice, was the most beautiful voice ever, almost like Granger's, except not as bland, and more unique. I remembered poker games, shooting at the range; fixing cars, reunions, tracking in the desert, late dinners, his laugh, friendly fights in the backyard; he was my best friend and death took him too soon. He would never meet my kids, my team, support me through tough times, or even meet Deeks.

I sadly sighed thinking about that, and I looked over at Deeks, who'd had the exact opposite of his dad. Instead of kisses goodnight, he got bruises, instead of a warm soft breath from my father, his is gruff and alcohol.

And then I thought about Deeks. The man, who I now can't possibly live without. And then my mind wanders to car accidents, fire and explosions and I got teary. He was meant to walk alongside me. He was the calm, warm breeze after a storm, my-

"Kens, we're here." he nudged me out of my thoughts. I nodded, but didn't want to speak, since my tears would then start flowing out. "You want to have a beer or something?" which was our code for having a night together. I nodded again, and he helped me out of the van once Sam and Callen were out. We went over to my car, and just as we pulled out of the street, the stress and worries flooded out. Deeks immediately pulled the car over, turned it off, and embraced me as best as he could from the driver's seat.

"Why can't someone else do our jobs?" I whispered, clinging to him; lightly smelling his shirt, which calmed me. "We always do it for the mission. We can't have normal lives because of the mission, defending others..."

"Kens, calm down, take a breath" he said calmly, looking into my eyes with his fierce, yet gentle blue eyes. "What happened?"

"I thought about losing my dad, and then you. He died defending someone, and-" I said, gasping.

"But I'm not dead yet, Fern. Heart's still beating, brain working, mouth still spitting out the same stupid banter" I laughed while crying a bit.

"It's not stupid, Deeks. It's a relief, a gift. You make anyone's day better, and if we start a family-" I stopped myself. _Kensi, get a grip on yourself._

"you don't want them to worry about having their parents not come home one day." he whispered, pulling a piece of hair out of my face.

"Yeah."

"But I'm a ninja, Fern. The ninja in mutant ninja assassins. " winked Deeks, looking into my eyes with his playful ones

"Moment's gone, Deeks."

"Still got more, My Sweet." he smiled, turning on the car and continuing our way home.

* * *

We were wrapped in each other's arms, the two of us; peaceful and perfect. We'd stumbled in bed, him in boxers and that ugly striped tank top, and me in a pair of a soft, pale pink pajama bottoms and a thin tank top.

"This is perfect." he whispered, gently stroking my hair. My head was on his chest, and I was in bliss. We were cozy under the covers, his breathing was even, and everything was quiet. The morning light gently shone through the blinds, casting stripes on the bed. There was a strange feeling of being alone, which made it more romantic. It was 5 am, not a lot of people were out and the occasional morning jogger might run on the sidewalk in front, but they would pass, leaving them alone.

"Let's go to the beach." I said, sitting up.

Deeks looked slightly confused, and a light smile lightened up his face. "Alright, Fern. Warning, I'm taking off my shirt, try not to be blinded by the hotness."

"Oh I won't." I laughed, standing up to go to the bathroom. When I got back, he was in a swimsuit, shirtless and very sexy.

"You blinded yet, Fern?"

"Oh yes." I said, walking up towards him, and wrapping my arms loosely around his shoulders. "Do I smell Artie, or is it just you?"

"Hilarious!" laughed Deeks.

"I know." I smiled, and gently pressed a kiss to his lips. "I'm gonna go get ready. Meet me at the car."

"Okay." yawned Deeks, stretching his arms. I smiled, and went to grab my swim suit.

* * *

After putting it on (black bikini), I looked over at the picture I had of Deeks on my nightstand. It was us, and Deeks was doing a Friends stare and I couldn't help myself. It was after we kissed on the ice and we went over to Sam and Michelle's for a bit.

"My life is so perfect." I said softly to myself, and then "went to the living room, where I saw him casually sitting on the couch. "I thought you were going to go wait in the car."

"I just wanted to wait here, Fern." he sighed, and looked down at the floor. "In case anything happened."

Last night. "Deeks, I'm fine."

"You always s-"

"Yeah I know I always say fine when I'm not, but this time I really mean it. Let's just go." I said, slightly angered. We grabbed our stuff, and headed over to the car. He didn't say anything when I went to go sit down in the passenger's seat, and neither did I. We drove down to Deeks' favorite spot for surfing, which we hadn't been to in a long time. He parked the car, and we walked, hand in hand until we found a nice spot in the middle, where no one else was. There were a few surfers in the water, and the waves were a bit big, but that was fine by us.

"Come on, Fern." said Deeks, pulling me up off the blanket, and I pulled him down as I tripped on our cooler and we both fell in the sand; me on top of him.

"Oh god!" he yelled. "I feel sand in places where sand should never be." I laughed, (with a snort of course) and climbed off of him. "I'm going to get you. Jungle cat's ready to pounce!"

"Oh yeah?" I said, starting to back off, and then started running towards the water, nearly falling on my face (again) and I jumped into the cool ocean water. Deeks wasn't too far behind me, and we ended up splashing and dunking each other for an hour or two.

After that, we walked along the beach, hand in hand; me wrapped in a towel, his draped over his shoulders. The sun was up now, and the beach was becoming busier with joggers, surfers, families and beach volleyball players. I looked over at him, and couldn't help smiling. This was the first time I'd ever fell in love with a man this much. With Jack, I was younger, a bit stupider, and just before he left, I thought about leaving.

_The day had been a better one for us, mostly Jack. We went to the beach after a quiet Christmas eve dinner, just the two of us, and we sat on the sand, watching the sun go down. _

_Jack turned to me and smiled. "You think it would be nice if we got married here?" _

_I smiled back. "Yeah. Let's just do it after Christmas and New Year's, babe." He nodded, and I put my head on his shoulder, while he wrapped his arms around me. We stayed like that for sometime, until it was almost closing time. _

_As we walked into our small apartment, the first thing I saw was a Christmas tree, the one we never managed to find. "Jack, where'd you get this?" _

_"Neighbors had two, decided to give us one. I haven't gotten around to decorating yet, but I'll do it soon." I kissed him. _

_"Just take your meds and then we can just curl up together." I said. He went into the bathroom while I waited outside. He'd only one episode today, a new record for him, but there was still plenty of time._

_ I gently touched the marks around my neck, remembering what it was like to have to kick him away and lock myself in the bathroom, while calling my college friend, Mandy, the psychiatric therapy major._

_How was I supposed to spend the rest of life with this PTSD haunting us? If I wanted to live out my career as a federal agent, who the hell was supposed to take care of Jack? I couldn't support his treatments, meds, food, housing, with a government salary. I smiled as he left and I went in. I sat on the fuzzy carpet we had, and just began to weep. I heard Jack knocking and I quickly let him in, trying to prevent an episode. _

_I continued as Jack rocked me, but nothing helped. "It's my fault, isn't it? Kens, I'm sorry for-"_

_"Shh." I whispered between sobs. For the first time, in quite a while, it was him comforting me. But that wouldn't last-_

"Kens! You awake?" asked Deeks. Deeks?

"What?" I asked, and then realized that he was above me, and that I was on the ground. My head hurt like hell. "What happened?"

"You tripped on your towel and hit your head on something. I thought I was going to have to bring you back to life in some magical way." he smiled. I laughed, but quickly stopped, putting a hand to my head.

"Let's go home, Deeks." I said, trying to get up, but was then lifted off the ground. "Deeks, I can walk."

"I wouldn't trust you, _Stumbles."_

* * *

**Tried to end that with some humor. Only 22 days until the premiere of Season 7! I think I'll have plenty to write about, including meeting the Mama Deeks. (I'm so convinced that her name is either Anne or Elizabeth). **

**Excuse my leave, the inspiration has been lacking a bit. **

**Reviews anyone? **


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